Cockroaches

 

My hate for bugs is boundless.  Most people who know me learn this quickly.  I hate everything about them.  They have no respect for private property and invade homes.


My relationship with cockroaches especially has had a checkered past - but let's be honest, has anyone had a good relationship with a cockroach?

The first thing I hate about cockroaches is how juicy they are when squished.  I hate it so much that when I kill one, I don't even bother looking under the pile of books or shoes I killed it with.  Nope, I leave it for my exceptionally understanding husband or I bribe friends/roommates with a cheap mexican dinner to do it for me.  Judge me all you want.  I don't care.  It's not going to change.

My husband's favorite story to tell is when I killed one with a pile of phone books while I was on the phone with him.  This was before we were married and in a long-distance relationship.  The phone call was on a Monday.  The pile of books was waiting for him in the middle of the floor when he came to visit that Friday.  My hero.

There are two particular incidents so far in my life that has scarred me and my outlook towards these creatures.

The Screaming Cockroach of '08

I'm going to share a little something about myself that may seem weird:  When I sleep at home by myself, I sleep with a light on.  I know.  But it's something else I don't plan on changing.

This is very handy for situations like the screaming cockroach of '08.

It was summer and I was living in Georgia in the second story of a house with two roommates and it was pretty hot up there in the summer.

One particular night I did my usual routine where I slept with the light on, waking up now and again to look around for anything that might be crawling on the walls or ceiling (the year before my apartment was crawling with earwigs - which, of course, added to my paranoia).

Low and behold, 3:00a.m.  I wake up and see a cockroach on the wall across from my bed.  I get out of bed antsy and angry and find a shoe.  Strangely, the bug didn't move, but whatever.  At least I didn't have to hunt for it, right?

I do my "gross-bug-jig" and then walk up to it and swing.

Half a second before the shoe hit the bug (well past the point of no return), I swear to God, IT SCREAMED.

After doing a more intense "jig" and cursing, I decided I had to call someone and talk this out.  My husband and I were on friend terms and talking every once in a while on the phone, and I figured he would be the only one who wouldn't get mad at me for waking him up with this at 3:00a.m. (2:00 his time).

Yeah, he laughed at me.  I still don't know that he or anyone believes me.  But I swear it screamed.  It was a high-pitched, shrill scream.  I'll never forget it and it's part of the reason they all freak me out.

The Beach Incident of '13

Can you tell this one was recent?  VERY recent.

My husband and I took our 8-month old daughter to the beach with my family this year for the first time.  It was great!  Lots of fun.

We had a room for us with two beds and enough room to set up our daughter's pack 'n play for her to sleep in.  One bed was a full bed and the other was a twin.  My ever-chilvalrous husband let me have the full and he slept in the twin up against the wall.

He had to leave a day early to go back to work, so when he left, we piled a bunch of baby girl's stuff on his bed for packing.  The second night he was gone was the last night we were there.

Well, baby girl was getting fussy and having a hard time sleeping that night, so after several times of calming her and her waking back up again, I decided she would just sleep with me in my bed.

Unfortunately, the window AC unit was blowing right on her, so I decided to move into Scott's old bed.  She was already awake, so I didn't mind making lots of noise moving everything off of his bed to put it on mine.

We laid there for several minutes - baby girl is asleep and I'm fading fast.

I felt a little tickle on my hand, but figure it's just the blanket folding over and brushing against my hand.  So I move and it stops.

A little bit later, I feel a little tickle on the small hairs at the bottom of my ponytail and decide I'm still catching a little bit of wind from the AC unit.

Baby girl was dead asleep at this point and I decided to put her back in her crib.  Luckily, she stayed asleep this time (YAY!).

I turned around to get back into my bed (the full-size bed) and realize all the baby stuff is on it and I didn't want to risk waking her up.  So I turn to get back into Scott's bed.

And there, on the middle of the pillow, was THIS



Ok.  Not that, but what I did see was the biggest friggin' cockroach EVER.

I did my nasty-bug-jig while screaming silently and grabbing my hair, and ran outside in the hall to collect myself.  Once I realized there were no other bugs on me and that it hadn't laid eggs in my hair or anything (because that's where my logic takes me every time), I went back in and grabbed a shoe.

The bug had moved to the side of the bed at this point, and I swear when I walked closer it lifted its head and looked around.

BLUHHHHH.

This made me hesitate enough for it to get away.  I mean...what if it screamed at me?!?!?!

Well, I can't sleep in a room with a cockroach running rampant.....soooo...I moved to the upstairs couch.

I felt so bad about leaving baby girl down there to defend herself. I even woke up my mom to make sure she'd be ok.  Stupid, now that I think about it, but who really acts rationally at 2:00 am?

So I watched her monitor for a couple of hours straight until I decided to participate in some candy crush saga therapy and eventually fell asleep.

I'm pretty sure that during the 3-ish hours I slept, nothing happened.

The next morning I was told that it could have been a Palmetto bug.  I haven't mustered enough courage to google it to find out the differences between it and a cockroach.

On top of everything, I was convinced the bug crawled into our luggage.  So I left it to my husband to unpack everything.  And he was amazing enough to do it, because he knows me.



**For mommy points, I'd like to point out that I had broken my nightlight rule for those last two nights at the beach to make sure baby girl got her sleep.  See what happens?!?!?!